Sunday, March 8, 2009

Welcome to my pity-party.... :-)

As I write this blog, my little girl is dancing around in her pj's with my sleep shirt over them, to Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 6. We've been discussing Bach - when he lived, why he wrote the music he did (or why we think he did), where he lived, etc. She has asked some very insightful questions, and is loving his music. We haven't listened to this particular CD in quite some time, and I'm very glad that she found it yesterday! My favorite (tonight :-) is Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. It is so beautiful!

Although I try really hard to not mention this often, at times like this I wish there was someone here to share her with. When she is being so cute and asking such great questions, I sometimes wish that there was someone to turn to and smile, knowing that both of us are thinking "this kid is really something". I wish that she could be a Daddy's girl, as I was. She deserves that. At times, I would give almost anything for us to have a man in our lives who is wonderful. I know how much my children are missing because we do not.

But at the same time, I am honest enough with myself to know what they ARE NOT missing by one certain man not being here - and that more than makes up for the rest. Knowing that they are safe and happy, that they know they are loved without question and accepted for who they are, and knowing that I am continuing my homeschool journey without having to justify it to anyone, even that we can listen to and enjoy Bach without rude or obnoxious comment... those things are very precious indeed.

1 comment:

Thrasher said...

I know this is an old post, but I could join you in that pity party at times. I live right now in Cloverdale. We just moved here from Florida where I temporarilyrelocated to get the job I now have so that we could resume homeschooling. My oldest daughter is dyslexic which I know when she was only 3 or 4, and as a result of that discovery, I homeschooled her until she went to 3rd grade at age 8. I only sent her because I divorced a really abusive (emotional and verbal mostly but some physical) I woke up one day and realized that I was hanging on out of fear for what would happen to my girls (by then there were 2) So I left and went back into the classroom where my whole teaching approach had changed due to my own experiences.

We have been divorced now since 2003, and I am only beginning to get "myself" back. He stripped me of financial, emotional, self-esteem and self-worth possibilities. God has been slowly helping me to heal. Sometimes I find myself very lonely for adult interaction and affection and wonder how my girls will make it in the adult world having grown up without a daddy because I too was a daddy's girl.

Then I stop and listen, and find that there is noone criticizing, belittling, or demeening, me and the girls on a daily basis for just being human.

We spill milk and don't cry, break glass and don't scream, lose car keys and swimsuits, and cell phones, and tv remotes, and don't acuse.

I pray for my girls that they will find their acceptance and love in their Heavenly Father and that they never look to a boy/man to prove their worth. I want to see them grow to God's fullness, knowing who they are, what they want, and what their calling is so that when God places the right young man in their path, they will have the strength to demand the respect they are due and become even better mothers than I am.

In the middle of the night when I am working till 2am so that I can go to a swim meet with my oldest or a dance recital with my youngest, or just take a walk in the woods with my girls the next day, I say to myself, "I have them only for a little while longer, surely I can hold out another few years to give them my all. After all they give me what I spent my young adult life praying for -- the chance to be a mommy.

Maybe we will one day meet in this big world of the shoals.